FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Gay Marriage – The Final Frontier Achieved! #LoveWins


On Behalf Of: All Gay People Everywhere

June 26, 2015 – Madison, WI

Now that gay marriage is legal in all 50 US states and US territories, The Gays have saved the country from the roots of all evil, and paved the Yellow Brick Road to Utopia. Evangelical parents can finally love their queer kids, the homeless will get a home, abortion will be legal safe and affordable (maybe even free!), the prison industrial complex will be abolished, Indigenous people will get their lands back, the military industrial complex will be defunded, white supremacy will be over, universal health care will be enacted, public schools will be fully funded (no matter the zip code!), police will be controlled by communities of color, black lives will matter, global warming will come to a screeching halt, minimum wage will be raised to $25 per hour, public university education will be free of charge, borders will be opened, immigrants will be regularized, human rights will be granted to all, kids won’t get molested, wives won’t get beaten, cities won’t get gentrified, people of color and trans womyn won’t be racially profiled, puppies and kitties will rain down from the sky, and unicorns will fart rainbows. The “final frontier” of equality has been achieved!

“Thank you, HRC! Thank you, Task Force! Thank you, Edie Windsor! Thank you, rich, white assimilated homonationalist, assholes for saving the whole world!” said angry faggot Anders Zanichkowsky. “I can’t believe this has happened. It really is the best day of all of our lives!”

He added that today’s victory — and its implications for literally every other victory imaginable — was made possible by the cold, hard fact that all political goals exist on a single binary between the Forward Liberal March of Progress (on the left) and The Regressive Return to an Awful Past led by A Bunch of Dumb Meanies (on the right). This is good news for activists, who need only pick the right direction on the only trajectory that exists, and simply get on board with everything the other side wouldn’t approve of. “If your issue isn’t on the table now — like smashing a racist, imperialist police state — just wait a little while, and it’ll come around!” suggested Zanichkowsky. “Thank heaven the AIDS crisis simplified and monetized the complicated legacy of Stonewall. Now, we can all eat cake! I LOVE CAKE! KUMBAYA!”

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, capitalism, neoliberalism and family,” said Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy. “In forming a monogamous marital union, two people (and never more than that) become something greater or more boring than once they were. As some of the rich, white petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a pure love that may endure for a weekend, or even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage–they don’t; they love it. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves and the recognition of their (vanilla) daddies (AKA the nation-state). Their hope is not to be condemned to live in spinster loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest and most patriarchal institutions, and miserable like anyone who is not gay married. They ask for equal dignity and the same privilege other middle class whites enjoy in the eyes of the law, like not sharing their wealth with anyone they don’t like. The Constitution grants them that right, but not the right to vote, to a good education, to health care, or many, many others. Let’s not get carried away.

“I’m just so glad we no longer have to be sad about those poor black folks murdered in their church by that racist in South Carolina,” commented Karma Chávez, a morose dyke. Taking another drag on her clove cigarette and gazing into the middle distance, she continued, “I’m planning to get gay married in Columbia, South Carolina, right on the state capitol grounds! Love wins! Just like in a real war! Anyone who isn’t on board with this happy day should just turn their frown upside down,” Chavez added, “and be thankful that rich white men took charge of the Gay Rights Movement in the 90s and actually got something done, 25 years later.”

Happy gays plan to meet at “Plan Gay” to celebrate tonight and then take a historic march to the “LOVE” mural in Madison, which as community organizer Nino Rodriguez quipped, looks to be “the shortest political march in history.” Join them for the festivities at any time; it is bound to be a wonderful celebration. Note, all aging homosexual men, prostitutes, polyamorous and HIV+ people, drag queens, butch dykes, ugly/unloveable singles, bums, lowly renters, undocumented trans folks and those looking to “hook up” will be excluded. Married straight people who would like to share in the gay celebration are welcome–equality is for everyone! Don’t forget, this will be a family friendly event!

Some radical queers plan to protest the event by staying at home, alone, drinking large glasses of scotch, and masturbating to nineteenth century nude photographs in dark, empty, childless homes with Mazzy Star turned up loud on the stereo. For more information, visit


One thought on “FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Gay Marriage – The Final Frontier Achieved! #LoveWins

  1. Wonderful and painfully poignant as always Anders. Your original piece on the inequalities within marriage “equality” will always be a favorite. Also, food for thought, the words chosen by the Supreme Court in their decision– “Without the recognition, stability, and predictability marriage offers, children suffer the stigma of knowing their families are somehow lesser. They also suffer the significant material costs of being raised by unmarried parents, relegated to a more difficult and uncertain family life. The marriage laws at issue thus harm and humiliate the children of same-sex couples.” As a child raised by an extraordinary, Lara Croft-esque single mother I was horrified when I read this. There is no subtext here, they have plainly stated that children from non-nuclear families are less than and I have seen virtually no conversation regarding this. (In my dreams you write an article addressing this and other issues but, you know, I’m realistic). I feel as though the Supreme Court has made their position clear- as long as you’re not only white, middle class, educated, and look vaguely like Neil Patrick Harris, but have the desire to white picket fence yourself away from those other kinds of deviant queers and non-nuclear families, you can be let in to the promised garden of the Straights. I’m not hopeful for the future.

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